So we start with you two guys, right, you two guys sitting at a table. I know we don’t have a table, but Mark and Ben are good at space-object or at least Mark you know what you’re doing and you can kind of just lead Ben around by the face like we all do. Oh Ben you know I’m just kidding. No I’m not kidding yes I am kidding! Let’s focus, guys. So we have Mark and Ben at a table, only Ben is playing the woman and they’re on a date. They’re on a date at a fancy restaurant and here comes Carl. Carl is playing the waiter, which, is, clear, wait, first you have Mark and Ben setting up the scene, so Carl you’ll stay off to the side to begin, is that stage left, the direction I’m pointing? I don’t know, I didn’t take your gay theater classes, just write down whatever you need to write down. Okay, then stage right.
“I’m so glad we finally got to see each other,” is what Mark will say and then,
“Yes, and it’s a beautiful night, too,” says Ben.
God, that’s bad. That’s bad, isn’t it Ben? Mark? We can change it. I can change it, I mean, I change everything, so, no that doesn’t affect you yet, Carl at that point you’re still off to the side of the stage. Well yes, obviously metaphorically, I mean you’re at the table right now, we all are. I don’t know what the fuck you mean about a cue, again, not gay, so, does anyone have a pen? This pen is for shit or we’d be done already–oh could you ask Tracy? Tracy’s the one up front. I don’t know, just ask her. Well, while we’re waiting, what I think Mark would say is
“You look really good tonight.”
We need a name, though, for Ben’s character. I don’t know? would it be weird to call her Tracy? If not let’s just call her Tracy. I can’t think of anything else and we’re wasting all this time–oh she’s not up there right now? No, it’s fine, I can just bleed out some ink and dip a fucking quill into it what Mark? Oh, that’s great. Why didn’t you just keep that to yourself a little fucking longer? Give it here, god. I’m crossing out the first line.
“I’m so glad we finally got to see each other.” So then we have
“You look really good tonight, Tracy,” which is what Mark says and then Ben is like,
“Thanks, you too.”
Carl? Are you marking this, it’s your cue. Yeah I knew the fuck all along what it meant so, can you just read your line?:
“Good evening sir, good evening madam, would you care to hear the specials?”
Can you do it a little more British? Okay, fine, yes, I won’t read it! You read it, just do it a little more British than I did it now.
“Good eave-en-ing sir, good eve-en-ing madam-uh, would-a you care-a to hear–”
Fucking hell! Carl! That’s Italian! Whatever, just don’t-do-any-accents at all, no, I don’t want to hear you do it again! I don’t care it, because it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny oh! Oh no! Oh no, this is the finger! Oh no. No, fine. I’m not–fine.
No, not until you take it seriously.
So we move on and they’re like
“No thank you”
Because we need to move the scene along and hearing the specials isn’t the important part! Ben, did you not even read this? I emailed it this morning. To your Yahoo! account, what do you think, well, it’s the one you gave me so sue me already, oh wait I forgot, you dropped out of law–yes I know how much this is costing us but WHAT I just thought we could use a read-through first! Because apparently not all of us have even checked our email today! I don’t even ever care about your firewalls! Okay!
Carl, where are you going?
Oh, well, Christ, am I a mind reader? I didn’t know there was a machine back there. Yeah, can you get me like I don’t know a Cran-Grape or something? I don’t have a dollar now but I can get you back.
“Good evening sir, good evening madam, would you care to hear the specials…” I don’t know when I read it back it just sounds–Carl this isn’t Cran-Grape, buddy, but it’s fine. Did you drop it or something? Spit on it hah-hNo it’s fine. Can we just pick up after Carl’s exit? And Ben’s like
“We have to leave,”
“Why, darling,” (good, Mark, I like what, sorry yeah, I’ll shut up, go on, Ben. Sorry. Go.)
“Did you hear what he said?”
Wait, hang on Ben, sorry to stop you again but I’m just wondering is this–I mean, would you guys call this too much exposition? You know, exposition? Oh Fuck You Ben I’m not the homo now: you’re the homo always, I’m the homo never. Or Carl is. Hah, sorry Carl. What Ben? Well because, on top of that, plus, you’re being offensive, and what if Tracy comes in. She is not. She is not. She is not. She is like twenty at least! How do you know? No, seriously, how would you know. How would you know. How would you know. How would you know, Mark! Whatever just, from the last–
“Did you hear what he said?” that’s Ben and then Mark you just pick it up:
“He said good evening madam and sir,”
“No he didn’t! he said…uh he said…’good evening sir and madam.’”
“What’s the difference?”
Ben, but you have to look more insulted than that. Well, when you’re onstage then, look more insulted then but uh, I don’t know why you can’t look more insulted now. Because that’s the joke, do you get it? I mean that’s the joke, that you look so insulted even though what the waiter did was not a big deal. I mean, that’s, that’s where all the comedy comes from. Carl what the fuck did you buy me, man? No for real, what is this? Cran-Crapple is more like it and it–seriously looks like you just dropped it, I mean there’s dirt all the way around. But what I’m saying is, that’s the joke! The joke is how insulted she is about nothing, it’s pretty much from the beginning of time the best joke, like when a woman doesn’t get it because she’s expecting the best and then, like, imagine it’s a blind date. I mean I know it’s not in the scene, actually I had it in there for a second, should I put it back? I thought it was too complicated. Yeah?
Okay fine, so that would change the whole first few lines but whatever. I can fix it, it’s so not a big deal, it’s not like I’m doing anything at work, right? Hah. So imagine you’re a woman on a blind date and all these things are going wrong, like for instance, the waiter looks like Carl! Hah, I mean, and second, the waiter who looks like Carl (hah, ugh, am I right?) the waiter who looks ugly like Carl doesn’t acknowledge her first, like she thinks she should be because she’s fancy, so, she’s feeling insulted…do you know what I mean? I mean it’s not too
Hey Carl, man, what? Wait where’s he going? Carl! Man! It’s okay about the Cran-Apple! It’s seriously okay about the–no I know. No, I know that’s not where he’s going, Mark! Mark wait! Fuck, You Guys! We only have the room for twenty more minFUCK you guys! BEN YOU FUCKING I’M COMING DOWN hey Tracy sorry is there anyone in there after us like if we just take ten can we–okay hold that thought, sorry BEN MARK CARL! CARL! CARL! I WAS JUST KIDDING god we can change the scene WE CAN CHANGE THE SCENE! IT’S JUST it’s just rehearsal. It’s just rehearsal you idiots. YOU IDIOTS. I. WAS JUST. KIDDING.